Home for the Holidays: Navigating Your College Kid’s Return

It’s finally here; that moment you’ve been anxiously awaiting: your sweet college freshman’s first extended trip home from college. Whether you cried tears of sadness or joy in August, most parents feel a level of excitement build as the holidays approach.

For the first time since the start of school, you get to have your child home for more than just a long weekend. That’s exciting, right? For this mother’s heart, the anticipation of having my daughter back home for an extended amount of time was palpable, and as the first break approached, I cleared my calendar preparing for all of the mother-daughter-family bonding I had planned.

And that, my friends, was my first mistake.

I had LOTS of plans for us and made sure my schedule was open in anticipation of all the fun we were going to have together. But in all of my excitement, I failed to have a conversation with my daughter about what she needed from her time at home. The result: disappointment, tension and hurt feelings (all mine). 

Coming Home from College: What Parents Should Expect

Space

For the child who has been sharing space in a dorm all semester — perhaps for the first time in his/her life — having time alone in her room might be a needed respite. While you may have grand plans full of activity, your child might be looking forward to the downtime. Whether your child needs that time alone or not most likely will be driven by personality and the success, or strain, of that new dorm situation.

For some, the transition is a smooth one, but for others, it’s a difficult adjustment. So find a happy balance when your student returns home from college.

Study

You may have a schedule of planned activities, but they also might need some space to study. For most college students, college finals will greet them soon after they return to campus from Thanksgiving break. So while they are happy to be back home, there’s a chance they’re also feeling some stress about upcoming tests, papers, and projects. During the Christmas break, this is a completely different story!

Schedules

For the last few months, they have been living without curfews or having someone question their every move. It’s not realistic, or fair, to expect a 10 o’clock curfew and think peace will reign. But it’s also not unreasonable for you to expect your college student to be respectful of your routines and work schedules.

We didn’t create curfews when our kids came home from college, but we also expected them to be thoughtful about how their actions and activity impacted everyone else at home. During the holidays, particularly during the month-long Christmas break, they might not have anywhere to be on a Thursday morning, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the house will be sleeping until noon.

Creating a Win/Win Situation: Tips to Ease the Transition

During that first semester of college, students typically look forward to their first extended stay back home. It’s an opportunity to enjoy a home-cooked meal, sleep in their own bed, reconnect with high school friends, meet up with new college friends, and simply relax.

While personality plays a huge role in the success of that first extended stay, as the parent, there are some things you can do to help set the stage for success. Having your child return home from college that very first time is exciting but also a new experience for everyone. Your child still is navigating a huge transition and learning to grow in independence; you might still be learning to release your grip.

However, it’s not a return to how things used to be, which can be one of the best and worst things about launching your children from the nest. Once your children leave home, they return to you changed. Most of the time, that’s a good thing, as they are developing independence and maturing (even if it’s ever so slightly). I mean that’s the goal of parenting, right, to raise your kids to leave? But it also can create lots of tension, hard feelings and discord if you’re not careful.

Communicate

Every child and family is different, but like many things in life, communication is key. With clear expectations and shared understanding, your student’s extended breaks at home can be positive experiences for everyone.

If they have plans to see every high school friend imaginable during their time at home, and you have visions of game nights, family dinners, and copious amounts of family time, then conflict most likely will occur. The point is this: talk about expectations before your college kid arrives home. 

Talk about your expectations for when they return home, but please be reasonable. Have a conversation about what they’re looking forward to doing while they are home from college, and then make a plan that will honor what’s important to you AND them.

Compromise

“My house, my rules” might get you what you want in the short term. However, if you want to build meaningful relationships with your adult children and create a home environment they enjoy returning to over the course of their lives, then you might need to take a hard look at what rules you’re trying to enforce. 

This doesn’t mean they get to do whatever they want, and you have to go along with it. Remember, you still are the parent, and although your child has been living independently for a short time, the space he/she comes home to is, in fact, yours. 

So yes, it is your house, and it is perfectly fine for you to have some rules about what happens there. But I think sometimes parents take a combative approach when their kids come home from college — or they try to parent their young adult college students exactly as they did in high school — and that’s where problems crop up.

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Parenting your children through the college years is a special time. You, and your student, are in new territory as the family dynamic changes, and sometimes there are bumps in the road. But together, you are setting the stage for a positive adult, parent-child relationship, and that is what’s important here.

Be transparent about your feelings and clear about your {reasonable} expectations, and then hopefully you’ll be on good footing to enjoy the time you have together. It really is a short season, so work hard to find that common ground.

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