From planning the perfect dorm room to setting expectations for spending, advice for parents of college students abounds. It’s an exciting time, for sure. And while parenting a college student certainly adds a new dimension to your prayer life, we typically send our kids off with hugs and kisses — maybe a few {okay…a lot of} tears — wrapped in a hopeful expectation that their college experience will be amazing.
Whether you’ve just done this for the first time or the last, sending a child off to college can be bittersweet. However, most parents are buoyed by the excitement their child feels in anticipation of that new start.
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Transitioning from high school to college: let’s talk about it
Even when the pandemic caused tremendous amounts of uncertainty, life marches on. Universities around the country made modifications to their on-campus experiences, and as those “first days” of school approached, my social media feeds began filling with the thrill of college move-ins, first day of school pictures, and sorority Bid Day announcements.
While things looked a bit different, the excitement for the future couldn’t be dampened.
A great deal of energy goes into helping your child prepare for that special first day of college, and during the lead-up, soon-to-be and new college freshmen often find themselves flooded with the following sentiments:
You will find your best friends in college.
These will be the best four years of your life.
You are going to have so much fun!
Yes, the statements above can all be true, but it’s also a possibility they won’t match your child’s reality, particularly during his/her freshman year of college. Somewhere amid all the excitement, planning, and preparation, I think we need to remember to discuss the depth of the transition they are making. Because while wonderful, it also can be stressful, emotional, and hard.
As a member of Texas A&M University’s New Student and Family Program’s Parent Advisory Council, I had the privilege of serving as a panelist on several Zoom webinars. These virtual “coffee chats” were part of the New Student Conference programming and allowed parents of incoming college students to ask questions of parents who had “been there, done that.” We covered a range of subjects, from transportation and homesickness to budgeting and campus involvement.
However, my response to one question — What do you wish you had known? — probably wasn’t the answer most participants were expecting.
Aside from the fact I wish I had known students started making Year 2 housing decisions by Thanksgiving of their freshman year, I wish I had known that my child might not be okay.
What makes the transition from high school to college so hard?
When my firstborn left for college, I never even considered that her transition from high school to college life wouldn’t be smooth.
From elementary to middle to high school, she maneuvered successes, setbacks, and disappointments with relative ease. She never got wrapped up in school drama. She pursued her interests and spent little time worrying about social status. Overall, she was involved, enjoyed school, and had a close circle of wonderful friends. Her faith in Christ underscored all that she did. In truth, I wish I had been more like her when I was growing up.
So that fall, when she called me one night crying, my stomach sank. My mind jumped to all sorts of terrible conclusions.
What I didn’t expect was to hear her talk of loneliness.
On the surface, she seemed to be doing many things right. Before she began her freshman year of college, she attended Texas A&M’s Fish Camp and Impact Retreat, where she met scores of incoming freshmen. When she got to campus, she found a church home, participated in a weekly Bible study, and made some new friends. From what I could see, it all looked good.
But as the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” She faced some major disappointments plugging into a few different organizations where she hoped to be involved, and coupled with a roommate situation that proved awkward at best, her reality not only didn’t match what everyone said college would be, but it also didn’t mirror the shiny, happy faces she saw of her peers on Instagram.
Not long after this, I was talking to a friend whose daughter faced similar struggles and ultimately sought counseling. The counselor equated starting college to a new job, and her words [paraphrased] always have stuck with me:
The transition to college is much like a job change when you start a new position in a different city or state. All of a sudden, everything is new, and the support systems you’ve always relied on — family, friends, church — are no longer part of your routines.
Advice for parents of college students: 4 things I would do differently
While I can point to a few things that, in retrospect, might have contributed to her rocky start, I also know we didn’t talk about how this transition to college — academics aside — might be hard.
If I could do it all over again, here’s what I think I would do differently:
Talk openly about the possible difficulty of the transition.
Emphasize that it’s perfectly natural, and normal, to struggle.
Press for honest conversations about what seems hard.
Be clear that it might take more than a semester, or even a year, to find important friendships and/or feel connected.
The truth is there’s no perfect formula to help ease the transition. For some, it seems seamless; for others, the experience produces hardship.
As a parent, though, I think it’s important to probe beyond those surface smiles and let your child know it’s okay not to be okay.
Advice for new college students: the lessons learned
So everything I’ve written to this point has been my personal perspective and reflection. However, I called my daughter, as well, for her feedback on navigating the college transition. Here’s what she had to add:
Set realistic expectations
College is a unique time in a person’s life, but there is no perfect or ideal experience. Setting expectations for what you think your freshman year in college is supposed to be based on what you hear or see isn’t wise.
Maintain a healthy perspective
Remember that God has intentionally placed you at your particular college to pursue a path He has called you to. God will use every experience, good and bad, for His purpose; the enemy, on the other hand, will attempt to use those struggles for discouragement.
Be patient
Strong, solid friendships often take time to develop. However, you also have to be proactive in meeting people and building new relationships.
Engage in biblical community
Find a church, get involved, and serve. Becoming isolated isn’t healthy. Ask for help when you need it; realize you are not alone and don’t keep things bottled up.
Biblical support and encouragement for your college student
From sending care packages and handwritten letters to calling to encourage and remind them of how much they are loved, there are various ways parents can support their children as they take these first steps into adulthood. But let’s also remember to point them back to what God says. As a believer, I think it’s important to share Godly truth.
You might also enjoy: Learning to Trust God with Your Children
Below are 10 Bible verses that would be great reminders for your college student as he/she begins navigating that freshman year of college. You can use these in a variety of ways to encourage your student. These printable verses can be tucked into care packages (here are some more cute care package ideas), included in a handwritten note, or even just sent via text:
- Deuteronomy 31:6: …for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
- Psalm 34:17-18: The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
- Isaiah 40:30-31: Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
- Isaiah 41:10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
- Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
- Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
- Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
- Philippians 1:6: …[be] confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
- 1 Peter 5:7: Cast all of your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Well, this story does have a happy ending. The good news is my daughter eventually found her way. The second semester of college was better than the first, and it progressed from there. As a parent, keep those lines of communication open and pray for your college students. God loves your children more than you do.
Although we’re discussing the high school to college transition specifically, there’s much here we can apply to various life-stage transitions: new job, new marriage, new baby, new empty nest.
Whatever your season, remember that God is for you.
Be sure also to read:
- Learning to Trust God with Your Adult Children
- Show ‘Em the Love | 30 Ideas for Creating College Care Packages
- Are They Ready? Basic Life Skills Your Teen Needs
- 12 Encouraging Bible Verses for College Students
- What Makes a Great Mom
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